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The memoirs of Willem Van Leeuwen… and the magic of life.

Yesterday at 5pm my  Opa (that’s dutch for grandfather), passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Born 20th February 1916 in Amsterdam, The Netherlands, Willem Frederik Van Leeuwen lived a long and inspiring life. He was a wonderful, caring father and grand-father. Me and my Opa were “house-mates” (as he used to say), and he was my very good friend.

with the cousins

mackenzie

nik and steve engaged

My Opa changed my life. My Masters degree is his Masters degree. My book to soon be published is his book as much as mine. I couldn’t have done either if it were not for him. The peace I shall share with the world I shall share because of my Opa. Living with him was a pivotal chapter of my life. He have opened my mind to new perspectives; he have opened my life to new opportunities. I left Vienna after I dreamt of my Opa – of me spending time at his home as he taught me to paint. Six months later I moved in, and he did just that: I learned to paint a new reality. Opa gave me a new perspective of space and time. He taught me to look beyond society’s facades, to see things for what they are. Through Opa I have come to truly appreciate the temporality of life. Life is short. Very short. We must take hold of it. Live it. Make the most of every moment. And not look back.

One hundred years is not a long time. Go back twenty of such lifetimes it was the year zero, the time where Jesus lived and died. Jesus spoke up against the Jewish dogma and Roman oppression of his time. Almost seventy years ago my Opa too protested against status quo, issuing fake identities to save lives of Jews. This took courage. This makes me proud.

When I was in my teens two thousand years seemed an ancient and irrelevant past, but from my Opa’s eyes, two thousand years is like the blink of an eye. Only fifty of his lifetimes have past since the Egyptian pyramids were built. In the big scheme of things our temporal state in the shells we currently embody, mean nothing.

My Opa used to look out at the stars, in awe of God’s universe, and appreciating the miracle of life. He wondered what other fantastical creatures exist beyond our vision but he didn’t think about it too hard. He didn’t worry about that which we cannot know. “Why think about it?” he said to me, shrugging his shoulders. Opa felt no need to define life’s magic, to humanise it, or to tell himself he knew everything about it. He didn’t question it, he didn’t judge others; he just felt it, embraced it, and played out his role in it. Opa was a man of simple faith.

Opa took pleasure in the little things: a homemade cup of coffee, a black tea, a small glass of port; a smile and a kiss on the cheek; a soccer game, a newspaper or an interesting session of Lateline. I now realise how little we need in order to live. Opa lived through wars eating rosebuds to fill his stomach. Opa left his country in order to create the best life he could for our family in Australia.

Opa has taught me to be grateful for all I have; to live for today; to live in the moment; to accept my limitations, acknowledge my weaknesses, to not let my mind or body cause me too much pain. I have learned from him that luxury is over-rated and unnecessary. He taught me to need little, and want less. Observing Opa I have come to understand that no person or thing can make us happy: happiness comes from within. Happiness begins with being content with what we have. Opa was happy with the life he lived. He was happy with the love he received. He did not want more than he was given. He accepted the jobs that came his way, he didn’t strive to have more or care about how he compared to others. He loved his children, and his grandchildren, and his wife; and he were grateful for all the love he received from us in return.

And now as he has left the physical body I knew him to be, I am reminded that there is more to life than that our individual consciousness of today. I have seen through my Opa’s death that the breathe behind life never dies; it just morphs, transforms, like caterpillars into butterflies.

Our lives are but temporal expressions of divinity. I believe, as many religions do, that our souls leave their human homes to be “reunited with God”, to be reunited with everyone they have ever loved or known, reunited through the re-absorbing of our soul into the collective soul of the universe – as we return to the oneness from which we came. No more ups and downs; no more fear, no more greed, no more suffering – a heavenly state of harmonic bliss. We are no longer separate, we become one with God; we are one with the past, present and future; we are one with the magical wonder behind our universe, the magic that is our universe and the magic beyond the universe from which we exist within.

Now I type, I can feel my Opa’s energy surrounding me. I can see my Opa’s energy in the trees, I can feel him in the wind, I can hear his heart beat in mine. I know he is with me. He will always be with me.

Opa, I want to say to you: THANK YOU.

Thank you for your part in bringing me into the world. Thank you for taking me into your home. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for enjoying my food. Thank you for making me interested in politics. Thank you for putting up with my mess. Thank you for sharing your views on life. Thank you for changing my life. I will cherish my memories of our time together. I will love you forever.

at mums fiftieth



in the garden


26022008phone

my opa

I will miss your bright blue eyes and your wide happy smile.

May you rest in peace, may you live for eternity.

A few years back he wrote his memoirs which some two years ago now we typed up together. I wish to share his words and his story with you today:

Reading about all the new findings in the digital world arriving in the market in the near future. So I thought it a good idea to put on paper how life was when I was born half way through the First World War in 1916.

Since that time, so many things have been invented which changed the way of life in many ways and I think you would be interested to know about that.

To start with my birth. As far ass I know that happened at home going into the hospital was an exception in those days and as far as my mother was concerned I must have caused her quite a bit of trouble because I have always heard her say “That was once but never again”. So that was it. I was confined to be an ‘only child.’

To start with my growing up. This happens to be in Amsterdam. I still remember the address: 20 Wetering Dwars Street in the CBD, close to the National Museum.

This is a narrow street, with 3 story home units, like terraces, on both sides. Those units were rented as owning your own place was an exception.

Actually, there were four living quarters because there was a basement half way the bottom part. To enter the more sophisticated part of the building you encountered the so called ‘stoep’ this is a concrete stag of steps to reach the front door for the three units above. To make your arrival known you had to pull the bell cord. One time for the first floor, two times for the second and so on. Then a climb up a steep timber staircase with an ‘overloop’, sort of a landing between floors

The inside of the unit consisted of a kitchen, a ‘back’ or living room, and a front room with windows. In between the two rooms was an ‘alcoof’ – a simple bedroom with inbuilt double bed on one side and my bed on the other side. There were no windows so the ventilation must have been very restricted. The front room was the so called ‘mooie kamer’ and was only used for special occasions. Further there was a ‘waranda’ balcony with an ‘ice box’. In those years there was no gas, electricity, washing machines, dryers, radio, television. Bathrooms with shower recess came many years later.

The body washing procedure was once a week on Saturday in a tub in the kitchen. The heating of water etc occurred on kerosene heater and in winter time also on a big coal and peat theater in the living room. The lighting of the unit was also by kerosene lamps. The washing of linen underwear etc was done by hand in a tub. Food was kept in the so called ice box on the balcony. Bars of ice were delivered once a week in the Summer months.

Although life was primitive in comparison with today’s, we were still satisfied.

I started my education in the elementary school close by, but as there was a small canal at the end of our street, my mother always took me to school as she was afraid I would fall in the ‘dirty’ water.

Schools in those days did not have play grounds so all my ‘playing’ was done in the street.

Most of my school years were very uneventful. Reading books etc. was my main way of life.

I remember my parents having card evenings with a Jewish family from across the street. They had a daughter of my age and we were confined to the alcoof. This was quite fun. The family disappeared out of my life and I never found out what happened.

There were also friends who had a tobacco shop and a private library. I spent many hours reading over there.

I must have been about 8 years old when we moved to a better environment.

Again a unit on the third floor with a ‘view’! Over looking a canal with a lot of ship movements. Barges pulled by tugs and at the other side on industrial area of mainly timber yards. The school was close by but again no playgrounds so life was mainly spent at home and occasional staying with my grandparents in Haarlem.

This brings me to tell about my parents.

My father was born in Amsterdam as far as I can remember, in 1894. He was a builder by trade. He must have been a pretty good one as I remember him building a large school complex later on he built houses on his own accord which had to be sold in time to be able to finance the next project. Often there were financial difficulties which affected the atmosphere at home.

He came from a fairly large family of several brothers and sisters with kids. There was however a little contact so I don’t remember much of it.

His father, I never met my grandmother, lived on his own in the Huidenkoper street in Amsterdam. He was retired from a function in the Royal Palace in Amsterdam.

His living quarters were filled with beautiful antiques, which would have been worth a fortune if they had stayed in the family. Still he was not very family friendly and I believe he preferred to see us going than coming. Consequently I did not see much of him.

It was a different matter with my mother’s parents. They lived in Haarlem in Amsterdam street near the Amsterdam Gate. The family name was ‘Van Vreeden’. My grandfather was a retired carriage painter with the Dutch railways. My mother had one brother ‘Oom (uncle) Cor’ who being a bank manager, was the family’s ‘financial pillar’.

In my younger years for some reason or another I often stayed with my grandparents and I remember making long walks with my Opa. I think because Oma got fed up with us and kicked us out.

My mother was, I think, a seamstress, because I saw her sitting behind a treadle sewing machine for long hours. When my grandmother past away, there was great emotion in the family of the question “What to do with Opa…?”

Fortunately my father was building two houses in Haarlem in the Kemp Straat, and he had difficulty in selling one of them (most probably because they were built next to a large cooperative bakery.) The solution of the above question was solved, with the financial influences of Oom Cor, that we moved to Haarlem and Opa was living with us. In comparison with the home units in Amsterdam, this was a considerable improvement. It was a two story house with plenty of rooms, a small back yard with a shed, and even a bathroom. I must have been about 12 years old because I went straight to High school. After leaving school in 1934, my first employment was with Hotel Royal in Haarlem as a receptionist and in the administration.

In 1936 I went for my number in the army with the horse driven field artillery in Utrecht.

After discharge in 1937, I worked with Travel Bureau Lissone Lindeman.

For August 1939 I was called up again for military service in Socstduinen near Utrechet.

This lasted till May 14 when Holland surrendered to the Germans. Luckily we did not fire one shot because we would not have stood a chance with material dated back from before the First World War. The whole exercise lasted a couple of days and ended promptly with the air raids of Rotterdam.

We were discharged and from July 1940 I worked with the Rationing Service in Haarlem. I started a chief in the National Registration Certificate Department. Because of the many Rassias it was important that next to your ‘Stamcard’ you could prove that your work was too important to be missed, preventing you from being sent to labour camps in Germany. So apart from the administration of the registry, we were also occupied with creating of fake Declaration of Requirements for the underground and Jews.

It may be of interest for you to give sort of a survey of life during the German occupation. The first two years we were living with coupons etc. Life did not change too much. We were able to organize Balls, Theatre performances, Youth Clubs etc.

However when the Germans started to persecute the Jews, things became ugly.

We had a group of about thirty boys and girls, with whom we managed to organise bicycle holidays or house evenings. However we had to become more and more careful. You always had to watch your back to prevent from being picked up from the street and sent to Germany.

Life with coupons became gradually more and more difficult as in many occasions the goods in the coupons were simply not available. Especially the last half year became very hard. We had a curfew from 8pm to 7am. The southern part of Holland beneath the big rivers was liberated but the part above the rivers was left to keep on its own. As there was practically no import of food and the Germans confiscated anything edible. Hunger started to lift its nasty head. People went to barter valuables for edibles. Walking with improvised carts to farmers in order to be able to live.

Many did not survive those journeys or got their valuable food confiscated when they returned to their house in the city. On many occasions we hat to resort to eat grounded tulip bulbs as so called cookies. All in all the last year was very nasty.

It was only after the Allies managed to defeat the Germans near Arnhem that life became gradually better. After 1946 I worked in different positions in the Ministry for Economic Control.

My last position was an inspector with an Economist fund for the small goods trade.

After the war the detail trade was practically at bottom level. Stocks had disappeared and ‘new starts’ had not occurred for at least three years.

The retail trade needed an urgent lift and the government was prepared to guarantee loans with the bank for people to finance a new business. For this purpose an organization was created to investigate the viability of the business concerned. I became and inspector with this organization and travelled all over Holland to report about the applicants’ capability and family – determining whether the business could be expected to be viable to pay off the loan within a certain time limit. This report went to a board within this organization and the decision of the application was granted or refused. As a side line I was a manager with an association called Infantex, of about 50 specialist shopkeepers of articles in baby goods. I organized about three market days in Krasnapolsky in Amsterdam and at the Royal Hotel in Urtrecht. There would be about thirty stalls in where the manufacturers would show their newest creations. All this lasted until May 1961 when we departed to Australia.

Coming back to my life in Haarlem. I met your mother on Saturday 29th July 1944, in a swimming pool called Stoop. As she had no ‘transport’, I took her home on the back of my bike and from there on we stayed together.

Her father Jacob Bas had his trade as a plumber and a shop in the Atjeh Street in Haarlem.

Her mother’s family name was Platenga and both came from farmer’s families in West Friesland. Your mothers family name was Agatha Jacoba Bas, born 19th January 1920. She could not get along very well with her father and her mother was always the protective part.

Anyway, we got engaged on 24th December 1944, and on 14th June 1945 we married in Haarlem as one of the first after the war.

The wedding day started very curious as there were no hire cars available. We had to hire horse drawn carriages. They also were very sparse. Anyway we managed to hire two. One would collect the parents from their homes, and one for us.

On the big day, however, only one turned up. The other had been in an accident. You can imagine the consternation to get us all to the Civic Centre. It was decided that the parents were collected first and we last. So we waited in the Atjeh street home. Because of the distances of the addresses, it took quite a while. Finally the carriage turned up. Very late, and to make up time we went in gallop to the City Centrum. The carriage swayed from left to right, and the public looked in amazement to the race. I must say it did not bother us in the least and we had great fun. We still made barely on time.

I had managed to rent a whole house in the Pegasus street in Haarlem, which in those days must have been the envy of many in the neighborhood. Later we moved to the Jan Gyzen-kade in Haarlem Noord, and from there we bought with the help of Opa Bas, a house in Velzen Wustelaan and after a few years we sold the house and bought a house in Ede Arthur Van Schendelaan. This was more central in Holland and more suitable for my work with the financial institution.

This was the last house in Holland till our departure to Australia.

Although I had a very interesting job, we decided that in view of the increases in population in Holland, being new about the size of Tasmania, with a population the same as Australia, the future for the children was better in Australia.

14 May 1961. We boarded the Orange, and 19 June 1961, we arrived in Sydney. We were sponsored by Fien an Piet Voorderhake. They had rented a house on Pittwater road in Collaroy, for 10 pound a week. At that time there was a sort-of economic depression.

Although I had studied English correspondence in Holland, it was not easy to understand Australian English.

Fortunately I met Jan Van Beest, who was chief clerk in Prince Alfred Hospital. He introduced me to the accountant and I was appointed as a clerk in the Administration.

In 1963, Jan Van Beest became an accountant in the new built Mona Vale Hospital. He asked me to come with him. I accepted and became chief clerk and accountant when Jan Van Beest departed to New Zealand.

In January 1974, I transferred to the budget department of Royal North Shore Hospital, where I stayed to my retirement in January 1982.

This is where they finish. It is crazy to imagine all of this happening before I was even born. My Opa had enjoyed twenty-seven years of retirement, twenty-seven years of a simple peaceful life in his modest home in Frenchs Forest.

With age comes wisdom. I learned a lot from my wise old Opa, I hope you have been able to learn something too. God bless.

Journey of an Inquisitive Christian

It is up to us individually to question everything we are told, everything we read and even those things we see and feel. We must always consider the source of our information, and what were those sources are influenced and motivated by.

When we read the Bible, we must consider the author, the author’s sources and the author’s sources’ sources. What were these people’s motivations and influences? In what context were they written, and what did the author’s original words and sentences mean to him.

We must consider various theological and historical perspectives of translations and adaptations through the passage of time, how and why we interpret these passages in the way we do, and are there alternative interpretations which may be more accurate to the intentions of the writer, or to the way God may intend us to be inspired by these words today.

This process of questioning isn’t easy. It not only takes a lot of time. It can involve a roller coaster of emotions. It can cause conflict within yourself, as you question the roots of how you understand the world. It can cause conflict within social groups, even between you and family members. For me it was all these things. And so here, in hope of easing the pain of anyone else that might be facing the same dilemma, I offer my story:

Chapter 1 – Introduction Click here

Chapter 2 – Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here

Chapter 3 – Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here

Chapter 4 – Discussing the contradictions Click here

Chapter 5 – What does this mean for my life today? Click here

Chapter 6 – My conclusions Click here

Please excuse the quality of my writing – these were written between 2007-2008 and my writing skills have improved a lot in more recent years…

Extras:

From a diary in 2000 Click here

This is a script copied from a piece of paper I found that considering what it talks about I date it back to some time in 2000. It provides an interesting insight into just how much a person’s mind can change in a matter of 10 years…

My Thunderbolt Moment Click here

This is an account of my journey that might be more coherent check out this one I wrote as an appendix to my masters thesis which was entitled An Ethical Dilemma: Childhood Conversion in Christian Fundamentalism.

Link to a PBS documentary Click here

This documentary presents what seems to be a non-biased scholarly exploration of early Christianity – I particularly recommend the first few chapters of Part Two which looks at the writers of the gospels, their sources and their motives.

Over to you…

Being a Christian seems comes down to two key things:

1. Loving “God” – which means loving the universe, our planet, all life

2. Loving “your Neighbours” – loving everyone around you.

That is the WAY Jesus envisaged. That is the TRUTH Jesus preached. That is the LIFE Jesus exemplified. Without showing and receiving love for each other and for our world there’s no way to know “God” and understand our place within It.

This is not supernatural, not elitist, and not discriminatory; it is completely natural, allows for constant questioning, and the only hell it refers to is the hell-on-earth that results from not loving each other and not loving our planet.

That concludes my journey so far. I wish you all the best in your religious journeys, and if you care to share some of it with me – I’d love to about it!

 

Things aren’t always what they seem

Back at bikram yoga yesterday I looked back into the big horrible mirrors and smiled – my tummy looked thin and flat. This was only my third class and I was already getting great results. Then I stepped to the left and the image changed before my eyes. My tummy was round and tubby again. What the…??? I tested a few more locations on the mirror and confirmed it – THE MIRROR WAS WARPED.

Neither the fat version nor the thin version was me. Yet at the same time both were me. Even if neither reflections were completely true, they were both attempts at displaying the truth. I suppose when you consider light and angles, no mirror ever provides an entirely accurate reflection of reality. A still mirrors are a useful instrument – better something than nothing.

Similarly when it comes to way we interpret the world around us. We all tell ourselves a story of some sort in order to explain our existence and purpose. We define ourselves with stories to give us a sense of identity, help us understand who and what we actually are. Do we know any of these answers? Do any of our stories provide us a absolute understanding of reality? I doubt it. But they are still important. I enjoying having a mirror (no matter how accurate) to judge if I’m looking fat or thin and similarly the stories I am surrounded by provide me an understanding of my consciousness – the accuracy is somewhat beside the point.

“Change the way you see things, and the things you see will change.” My yoga teacher said.

I started thinking about our individual perspectives of what we see around us – none are actually a true reflection of reality either. They are interpretations of reality – everything is an interpretation. Everything is relative – only a reflection of the absolute – never providing a complete understanding of the absolute itself.

Same with all our narratives really. We can tell the same story, with the same facts, in completely different lights. It’s our choice what light or angle we are going to put on it.

Just compare the documentary Zeitgeist to what I’m learning about Political Economics. Both are talking about the same thing – what Zeitgeist describes as a shocking system of social slavery Capitalism promotes as “good economics” and an “efficient distribution of resources.” Both are describing the same facts: a system of value-less paper we call money and a few people at the top owning the world, pulling the strings while the people at the bottom work to pay off  mortgages.  Two versions of the same facts. Like my thin and fat reflections, both were reflecting me but neither entirely accurate. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Introduction

Christianity has played a significant and dynamic role in my life. I was born into a Christian family and had a strong “Christian faith” until I was 20-years old and learned about the Crusades, the Inquisition, the pagan traditions it copied and the political powers that edited and produced the Holy Bible I had cherished and trusted so much.

This was a confronting moment. Traumatic to say the least – my entire world-view fell apart. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. Very soon after this I left Australia to see the world.

Although I had rejected the religion I continued to feel a relationship, a strong connection, with the divine magic behind life – which I continued to personify as “God”. When I returned to Australia I struggled to relate to my family and friends, who continued to see the world through the Christian lens. If I talked about other cultures, religions and the possibility of pre-historic civilisations, it was like talking to a blank wall – as if anything outside the reality the Bible paints, was a reality that could not be seen, heard or contemplated.

I found myself in a unique position. I completely understood how they were feeling – I had felt that before. I understood what they were thinking – I had thought that way before. And I was still open to what they were saying. I doubted I would ever return to being an exclusivist Christian – believing my truth is the ONLY truth and that everyone else was going to hell – but my heart was open to revisit Christianity. I wanted to evaluate it from a critical intellectual big picture perspective. It seemed that everyone in the world was trying to convince me to believe what they believe. From militant Atheists trying to convince me there is no God through to militant Christians trying to convince me their God was different from everyone else’s. Was evolution a fact, or a theory? Everyone was convinced one way or the other, but what was the evidence for each perspective?

I felt I owed it to my Dad to give the beliefs he so passionately follows one last really good try – investigate the “facts” and critically analyse whether they stood up to the “facts” that surrounded them. “SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE” I screamed out to the world.

Time is the greatest barrier to searching for our own answers to our questions. We lead busy lives and we can’t learn and do everything we want to – so we just accept what other people tell us, and move on. But moving in with my Opa I had been given this gift: the gift of time. Time to seek answers. I wanted to share this gift with others. So I made a decision: I would document all my questions and all the answers. I had no agenda – I didn’t want to convince anyone of anything – all I wanted was to distinguish what was true from what was false.

Never in my life have I ever stopped praying. Even at the point in my life where I was completely skeptical about God and had deemed my prayer an ignorant practice of indoctrinated fools – I continued to pray. It made me feel good. It comforted me. And it seemed more than coincidence that my prayers SO often were answered.

I prayed to God that “He” would direct my search: bring me the books, the websites, the people, that “He” wanted me to talk to. Something deep inside me told me this was my mission – that God had placed me in this unique position for a reason, and that “He” wanted me to undertake this search and document everything in an unbiased, non-misleading, completely honest way.

I wondered about God’s plan for my life. As an ugly schoolgirl with braces, pimples, glasses, a puppy-dog fringe and fundamentalist Christian beliefs, I clearly remember standing there in my room and saying to God:

“Please make me a model. Then I will do anything you want. Imagine if I was famous and beautiful, just imagine what we could do together – how many people we could bring to you. God my life is yours to do with what you please. But PLEASE make me a model.”

God had fulfilled his end of the deal and now it was my turn. Achieving my modeling dreams did change my life – mainly because it made me realise that absolutely ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. As you have probably noticed by reading any of my writings this realisation and motto has remained with me throughout my life.

‘There are some things you just can’t know.’ ‘If you could actually prove something then everyone would believe – it all comes down to faith.’ ‘I wish you would hurry up and finish searching – you just never know when you might die – I worry about where you will end up.’ ‘Does it really matter?’

I appreciated my family’s loving concern for my eternal life but I can’t abandon my quest for real answers, my quest for TRUTH. It is important. If there is an eternal life then I want to be there but I don’t want to dedicate my entire life to something that is man’s creation not Gods. Questioning is a scary idea – not only because of what might happen in the interim, but I think also because of the fear we might discover an answer we don’t wish to discover. There is also an accumulated fear embedded in the history of Christianity, where questioners were declared ‘heretics’ and expelled from the congregation, or worse. At least now I was able to question without having my head chopped off.

I know I will never learn everything there is to know, or have all my questions answered, but I also knew I could get nearer to the truth than where I was. If I was going to have faith, it was not going to be a blind faith, it was going to be a defined faith, with awareness of which writers, politicians and theologians I was putting my trust in. I needed to get serious.

Beginning my search I was faced with information overload, with one question leading to ten and every website or book directing me to myriad more perspectives. I did the Alpha course and asked questions there. I did John Dickson’s Simply Christianity course with a very knowledgeable family friend, developed more questions and contemplated the varying answers. Returning to university I made friends with theologians, religious professors and philosophers.

After now two and a half years of searching and reflecting, I reduced this mass of questions and answers to two questions:

1. Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here

2. Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here

 

A scrap of paper from 2000

It was the year 2000, my first year out of school and first year of university. I would have been 17 or 18 years old.

My strength at this time came from my strong faith in God.

I went to church on Sunday nights, taught children’s Sunday school on Sunday mornings. Friday nights were youth group at church and once a week on the evening i went to a bible study group at someone from the church’s house. On top of all of this I had daily private times where I would read the bible or a biblical book and I would pray. I was told how I should live my life. I also did my best to obey all the commandments and teachings from the bible, including giving about 10% of the money I earned. I believed and obeyed everything I was told.

A scrap of paper I found and dated to sometime in 2000 reads:

“I love my Mum and I love my Dad. I love my sisters as well as my relatives and every one of my friends. I love God. God loves me. God loves every person so much that he sent his son to suffer, living hell after dying on a cross, just so that I may live eternally. this is the key to becoming a Christian, accepting God’s grace, through faith, so that when I die I know that I will live eternally in heaven.

This gives me feelings of peace as it shows that the eighty so years on earth, in perspective are so small and eternity so long, that we must always remember what is important is to love God and love others.

God loves me and has blessed me a thousand billion times and with my life I want to strive to please him.

I thank God every day for my blessings, for everyone that I know, for the fact that I can know them, love them and I thank him so much that they love me in return. I have said this to God every morning when I wake up for as long as I can remember and I will always as nothing can change this.

When I die I wish that everyone that knows me can know how much I love them and how much God loves them.

I hope that through my death, others can come to know Christ. If I could die tomorrow and my friends would come to know the love of God, I would without a second thought. When i die I hope everyone can rejoice over the life I lived and thank God for my life, as I do.

Everyone should rejoice in knowing that I will be eternally living with my God and will be waiting for them to join me.

What I want out of life

1. To please God and do his will. he has a plan for my life and he knows the best way (He created me so he must know!)

I know that without God I can achieve nothing, so why try to control my life without him? All it leads to is dissatisfaction. Look at Mariah Carey, for example, you would think she would be satisfied as she has everything materialistically you could ask for: money, guys, fame, talent… yet she tried to kill herself. She was unsatisfied. Materialism can only satisfy you to a point. There will always be a huge hole without God. Thus I wish to follow him and let Him do what he can. i trust that he has a plan and will lead me to a satisfying life.

2. Friends and family

I hope that my friends and family can be happy, healthy and also live satisfying lives on all levels. Especially that they will come to know God.

3. Materialistically and selfishly

I’d like what everyone wants: money, fame, love, nice house etc! No seriously… I want a job that I enjoy – working with great people and being able to support myself with a good income. I want to meet a guy, love him with all my heart and marry and have a happy marriage with God in the centre. We will live in a nice house, possibly with a couple of kids (eventually), have great holidays etc. Our kids will grow up to be also strong Christians. I will put my family before”

It finishes there and I can’t find the next page.

In fact, this is the only piece of writing that I have from this time in my life. It does a good job in summarising my mind at that time. I read this and I smile, laugh at the Mariah Carey commend, then cringe and feel my stomach turn. My innocent mind: pure, kind and loving – but so naive, indoctrinated and, excuse my language, fucked up.

This year brings tears to my eyes to think about – I gave every part of myself to everyone around me, and everyone around me took and took, like vampires on their prey. Noone realised the pain they put me through. At the time, not even I was aware.

To read about my journey from the very conformist fundamentalist Christian worldview above, into the questioning Christian / spiritually Buddhist / peace-loving Atheist I might classify myself today, check out:

My Thunderbolt Moment Click Here

And for Christians who haven’t had the time to question, I documented my questions, answers and my contemplation of the contradictions, which you can read here:

Further Reading:

Chapter 1 – Introduction Click here

Chapter 2 – Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here

Chapter 3 – Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here

Chapter 4 – Discussing the contradictions Click here

Chapter 5 – What does this mean for my life today? Click here

Chapter 6 – My conclusions Click here

 

God and fundamentalisms

This may sound strange but I LOVE our universe. I love that we are conscious of our selves, that we understand so much about our location in space and time, and I love that there is so much we don’t know – the mystery and intrigue keeps life exciting. It reminds you of the importance of the process, not the result. Dreaming and working to achieve your dreams so that when you make it you can dream a new dream. There’s always more to learn. There’s always new ways to create. The universe has infinite creative potential. This is God.

I love capturing beauty with my camera. I love thinking about the beautiful things I can see, hear, smell, taste – thinking about why I can see, hear, smell and taste them, and what gives me the ability to think about these things. The language that allows me to put feelings into thoughts and into words.

I love contemplating what this process of creation tells us  about the nature “God”, about the nature of our expanding universe and the nature of ourselves and our role in this ongoing evolution. I love learning about religions and I try to keep an open and empathetic attitude to ideas and perspectives different to my own. Each perspective has come from somewhere, every person has a story, and every idea has its purpose and its place. Like people, perspectives and ideas, and like our universe and our understanding of God – CONSTANTLY CHANGE. We constantly know more. We will never know everything. And that in itself is what makes life so fantastic.

Today I went to St Matthews Church in Manly to listen to Ken Duncan, the famous landscape photographer, speak about Life’s Adventure, and the process of capturing the beauty and glory of God in these landscapes. I enjoyed this very much, until the end.

What I enjoyed was hearing the story behind the amazing panoramas. Each photo took patience and intuition – listening to that voice inside of you that Ken attributed to God. I do that too. And I find that listening to this voice is how I get my shots. It’s how I find the words. It’s how I live my life. Connecting myself with the all-power energy that surrounds us and connects all of life. To say no

Confronted with images from Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion – with the blood and guts of an Anglo-Saxon Jesus suffering “for me” on the cross – juxtaposed with his amazingly beautiful panoramas. I felt sick to the stomach.

“The only way to God is through Jesus Christ”

I’m sorry. I do not agree. I can not.

Why not?

a) People of other religions also connect with “God” (even if they speak another language and call this great force by another name like Allah or Jehovah – all the same MONOTHEISTIC god…) Who the heck would I be to say they are all deceived while the Western religion has magically got it right?

b) The power behind life I call “God” is more powerful than what this simple narrative makes out. What kind of God would REQUIRE a human incarnation of itself to suffer and die in order to have a relationship with me? Couldn’t an all-powerful God conquer death without requiring a death?

I’m still searching for answers. I’ll share more of my Christian journey when I get time to read through the writings I have done over the past few years. But there are just some times I have to speak up. This was one of those times, and I had to communicate these few points with Ken Duncan… so I wrote the above little essay on a feedback form and hope he gets in touch with me to discuss. If you are going to go out and tell everyone about Jesus, then maybe he has some answers. Those with exclusive perspectives of their own religion have a lot to answer for – not least the Clash of Civilisations predicted as a consequence of identities mixed up in such opposing exclusive views.

I do have to say though I was really impressed with Ken’s talk and I absolutely LOVE his work. And i loved his wonderful example of faith and listening to “God”. I relate to that. But when I see something that seems to me to be at the roots of world violence I can’t just sit back and watch. I have to say something.

Yes, a Jewish revolutionary was crucified 2000 years ago. Yes, this man changed the lives of many people – telling them to forget the church’s bureaucratic rules and instead follow his example and discover a personal direct relationship the divine power behind creation. He told them to be pacifists – to let your enemy slap the other cheek. The earliest Christians did this. Shame we don’t do it anymore, instead ignoring the Sermon on the Mount and focusing on the human theological interpretations of a narrative, mis-interpreting premodern writings in our modern paradigms. Focusing on rules, on separation, and on literal interpretations of myths.

Jesus said to forget the bullshit – life is not about obedience to autocratic rules. It’s about two things:

1. Love “God”.

2. Love your neighbour as yourself.

I find myself seeking the divine power behind our existence, connecting with it and allowing that connection to guide my life and help me pursue my unique role in the unveiling of the universe’s expansion. I am still debating whether or not I want to personify this power – it seems to have benefits of comfort and communication, but at the danger of tricking the mind to really think this power is actually a person. I don’t think anybody really believes God is a person, which is why I find the THEIST / ATHEIST debate so strange.

It seems to me it’s not a question of “is there a God?” but is actually question of “what is this power we call God?” and how can we best understand and connect with this power? Should we seek it through a deeper understanding quantum physics? Through looking at the major religions and identifying common elements – separating human-designed theologies from the original messages of the prophets? Or through seeking a deeper understanding of ourselves and our own potential to have a prophetic-like relationship with the divine.

Sometimes I find myself truly seeing other people and other forms of life as other expressions of myself. If i was born into their situation, I would be living and responding just as they do. This is why the concept of “sin” seems so foreign – most of the time these actions are derived from their life’s experience, and when you seek the cause of destructive behaviour, it is not something that the person had control over.

I love those moments where my separate identity disappears and I feel at one with the universe. Floating in the ocean allowing waves to carry your body up and down is one of the most meditative states that make me realise my separateness is a temporary condition – one I must enjoy each moment without fear of it’s inevitable end.

“But what do I know, I’m just a model”

And it’s late, I’m running on 5 hours sleep, my eyes are heavy so I’m going to post this, have a shower and go to bed.

🙂

The picture I used for this post is a meditation poster called Supreme Light from the Brahma Kumaris, a spiritual university – www.bkwsu.org

Meaning of life

Something sure to come up a lot on this blog is the question of meaning – why the f**k are we here on this planet??? It is something I contemplate regularly.

The human condition is a strange one –  born no different from other animals we are educated into languages, enculturated into structures of thinking, sets of values, morals, dreams. We grow up and play out our roles in society, dedicating our life to our relationships, our religions, our jobs, the building up materialistic goods, searching for our identity, trying to achieve the world’s ideals, create a family, pay off our mortgages or work for whatever other causes we see as valuable. But WHY??? Only to blink and find ourselves retired then old and dying. We may travel, meet people, enjoy food, beautiful sites, other cultures… still what’s the purpose of it all?

I have come across a fantastic fantastic website that contains interviews with some of the most amazing minds in our world today. www.meaningoflife.tv.

So far I’ve watched Karen Armstrong (a scholar of religion) and John Polkinghorne (a Cambridge scholar of physics and Anglican priest), and I definitely recommend both. Each interview is long but well worthwhile 🙂

A guy’s point of view

Sorry about the photo. A bit rude. Rachel took it not me (I think) – one of the millions of photos we took of graffiti art in South America. This one was in Bariloche Argentina. I thought it was appropriate.

I never really read FWD’d emails but this one popped into my inbox from my 13 year old sister so I had to have a look. My art exhibition (launched very successfully yesterday) has left me exhausted so instead of writing tonight I’m going to share someone else’s and pose a question – is this really what boys think???

This is very cute! And even written by a

guy!

You might agree with it, but when it

actually happens 99% of girls don’t

realize it ’til it is too late

and that guy who did it is so frustrated that he has moved on to someone who will take notice.

From a guys point of view:
We don’t care if you talk to other guys.
We don’t care if you’re friends with other guys.
But when you’re sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room

and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn’t help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we’re still there.
We don’t care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.

Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can’t wait till he morning.Also, when we tell you you’re pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don’t tell us we’re wrong.We’ll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.

Yeah, you can quote me.

Don’t be mad when we hold the door open.

Take Advantage of the mood im in.

LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON’T ‘FEEL BAD’
We enjoy doing it.
It’s expected.
Smile and say ‘thank you.’

Kiss us when no one’s watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody’s looking, we’ll be more impressed.

You don’t have to get dressed up for us.
If we’re going out with you in the first place, you don’t have to feel the

need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she’s just in her pj’s.
Or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.
Don’t take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing.
See the beauty in it.
Don’t get angry easily.

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don’t talk about how hot Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.
It’s boring, and we don’t care.
You have girlfriends for that.

Whatever happened to the word ‘handsome’/’beautiful’.
I’d be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with ‘Hey handsome!’ instead of ‘Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy’ or whatever else you can think of.
On the other hand im not sayin i wouldn’t like it either.

 

Girls: I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN’T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE.> DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you’re at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what theyre doing just to look you in the eyes….and say ‘i love you’ ……….AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!
 

*****Give the nice guys a

chance***** > Holdin Hands-
> Girls : If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a couple of times.
> Guys : Grab it if it happens more than once.

> Cuddling-
> Girls : When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you’re cold.
> Guys : Automatically move closer to her.

> Movies-
> Girls : During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
> Guys : Lift her chin up and kiss her.

> Loving each other-
> Guys : When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too… And mean it.

🙂

My inspirations

“Good novels are written by people who are not frightened.” George Orwell.

Some of the most inspiring people in my life:

Nicole Bennett

My sister is following her heart and her passion for fashion and fair trade. Check out her designs: ENOUGH by Nicole Bennett and place an order to support the cause!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emeritus Professor Stuart Rees

Director of Sydney Peace Foundation, Founder of the Centre of Peace and Conflict Studies at the University of Sydney, social commentator and dear friend.

emusasm

 

 

 

Rachel Carroll

My South American travel amiga, great great friend, and VERY talented Australian artist. www.rachelcarroll.com.au

The_Art_Tree_Website

The Art Tree

All the artists of “The Art Tree” – a Sydney Northern Beaches art group Rachel Carroll runs. www.arttree.com.au

Leigh Stark

Blogger, photographer & the creator of this website. Thank you so much!

www.leighlo.com & www.sackboyliveshere.com

90 day geisha

Chelsea Haywood

Author and my wonderful Canadian friend from Tokyo. Her first book “90-Day Geisha” was released 2008 in Australia, 2009 Holland and Dec 2009 will be released in New York – check it out – it rocks!!! www.90daygeisha.com

ana clara veiga

Ana Clara Veiga

Once my roommate in Japan, Ana Clara is a very successful Brazilian model now married to a beautiful Japanese boy and now with her own fashion label Guara in Japan. www.guarajapan.com

Sawan

Sawan Yawnghwe

A very successful Canadian artist based in Panzano – Florence, Italy. My distant friend.

Dormice®

ajcast1

Rory O’Donoghue

My mum’s partner, a musician and actor. His most famous role was Skinny Arthur in the Aunty Jack Show – if you haven’t seen this then you MUST check it out on youtube – it is VERY creative and a lot of fun!

www.auntyjack.org & www.arvodavo.net

Not my close friends… but some great sources of inspiration – mainly through their words, auras, talent & beauty (inside & out):

Johan Galtung – an incredible thinker and one of the key founders of my discipline: Peace and Conflict Studies. AMAZING theories on politics, peace and transcending perceived limitations with a little creativity.

images-2

Shanteram is the best book I’ve ever read – and I’m only half way… (it is VERY long!)

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Some parts a little indulgent, but on the whole very inspiring. My dream is for my book to be able to inspire others as Eat Pray Love has done for many women around the world.

conversations with god

Conversations with God made everything make sense to me. A FANTASTIC book for anyone confusted about life.

deepak chopra

Deepak Chopra is so great. I love listening to his audio books – a break from tiresome uni readings.

Jason Mraz… ahhhh my favourite is I’m Yours… I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. And the lyrics for Life is Wonderful…. the greatest lyrics ever, in my opinion.jason_mraz6


images-6

Alicia Keys – well… no words can describe.  Superwoman again great lyrics… brings tears to my eyes but simultaneously makes me feel a strong power. Incredible girl.

julie-delpy

Julie Delphy is one talented creation – singing, acting, directing, … she does everything and does it well. Inspirational to say the least. Before Sunrise is one of my fav movies ever.

Jim Sturgess

I have a major crush on Jim Sturgess – ever since Across The Universe – and watching the behind the scenes intensified this crush. His voice. His smile. His humour. His spirit. His eyes……………. mmmmm mmmm.

 

The Beautiful Girls have some of the best lyrics out there – my favourite being Cash Money that says It’s funny how many times they prove that the only true fortune you can save, is the Truth.”

If you haven’t heard them get onto iTunes now!

And Johnny Depp. No explanation necessary.

I draw a lot of inspiration from the beauty of nature, and from my own crazy experiences. I am particularly inspired by the way that over and over again my seemingly most unlikely dreams have come true (modeling, photography, pilates, writing, travel…..) This gives me confidence about my new dreams – no matter how out-of-reach they might seem. The next one being the growth of this blog (please recommend to others if you like it), a PhD, a best-selling book… and world peace.

Finally, I can’t talk about inspiration without mentioning my mum, my dad, my sisters, extended family, and my friends through from school to uni to various jobs to travel and all the random encounters in between – you are my biggest inspiration. Thank you for your ongoing support and unconditional love. 

Last but definitely not least, my late Opa who maintained his health and sense of humour right till the end. Ask him how he is and he would cheerfully sing, “STILL ALIVE!!!” Life is a gift I too am eternally grateful for.

What I learned most from Opa is that even 100-years passes in a flash — so don’t waste a moment of it. If you’re unhappy then do something about it. The only place happiness is found is now. Seize opportunities, leave no space for regret.

As Hippocrates said, “Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience misleading, judgment difficult.”

So… enjoy this life you are experiencing, be thankful for each new day, and live each and every moment to its potential.

 

PS. This page is still in progress and will (hopefully) continue to be… as inspiring people continue to enter my life.